Author: Innocuous Fox
First, a thank you to Mike for being cool about me doing an analysis of what is probably a very personal song. As I have mentioned, I believe that this song is Mike confronting himself regarding his alcoholism.
There are also things that make me believe this is not the first time he has come to this realization. Often, an addict tries to control his behavior without help.
This generally ends in failure and there are deep feelings of guilt and shame by the addict in admitting that - as the 12-step saying goes - is "powerless over his addiction". Anyway, here it is, line-by-line.
Temptation -
Why won't you leave me alone?
Lurking every corner
Everywhere I go
Obviously, for the addict, many things around them have often been used as excuses to "act out". An alcoholic may drink because he is happy, sad, celebrating, escaping, mad, tired, depressed, scared, anxious, etc. There may be certain people or places that cause them to
feel the desire to drink. In Mike's life, I'm sure he is surrounded by circumstances where he is triggered and would normally want to drink - for any reason.
Self Control -
Don't turn your back on me now
When I need you the most
As I mentioned before, sometimes self-control is an elusive thing. One thing an addict realizes is that often they don't have control over their self-control. As peculiar as that sounds, it is a very real issue. Before or after the fact, they have that control... but during a period of acting out, sometimes it seems as if any barriers or promises that were erected just simply are gone. Often there isn't even the realization that it IS gone until after it happens.
Constant pressure tests my will
My will or my won't
I love this line in that it twists the word "will". In a way, it expresses how the addict has 2 "wills"... one that makes him want to drink and the other that makes him want to stop.
My self control
escapes from me, still...
The above is really the admission that he is powerless to control the addiction.
Hypocrite -
How could you be so cruel
and expect my faith in return?
Hypocrite, of course, is Mike pointing out that he is doing exactly what he is against. This could be based on the possibility that Mike may have had a bit of an attitude regarding other addicts... even chastised them in the past.
If you are that hard on addicts, and then realize that you are one, how can you reconcile that with yourself? This is pure speculation, though.
Resistance -
It's not as hard as it seems
when you close the door
One of the ways of beating an addiction is not to say "no" to the situation, but to avoid the situation altogether. Whatever those triggering emotions, situations, places, people, etc. are, they need to be found out and avoided - since you can't depend on being able to "control
your self-control" you have to be able to re-route your behavior while you are still in a place where you can think clearly and see the ramifications.
For 12-steppers, this is referred to as establishing "boundaries" that are designed to keep you from dangerous ground. In the lyrics, Mike suggests this by saying to himself, if you close the door and don't look at what's behind it, the temptation is not as big of a factor.
I spent so long trusting in you
I trust you forgot
Just when I thought I believed in you...
Like the "hypocrite" line above, this deals with the realization that he has gone back on his word to himself. Often, when trying to control an addiction, the addict will tell himself that he can handle it, that he won't do it again, that he has it under control. Of course, every slip only proves to the addict that they are not trustable to themselves - in those situations.
If they go on long enough, however, there is a complacency factor that slips in... they don't continue to keep their guard up. They might feel... well, I've gone for so long without acting out - I can do it now. But... just when they think they can believe in themselves...
It's time for me to deal
Becoming all too real
living in fear -
Many times there is some sort of traumatic event that throws an addict into the sudden realization of the depth and effect of their problem. This is when the addiction goes beyond casual control and denial and becomes a looming, every day issue in their lives.
Why did you lie and pretend?
This has come to an end
I'll never trust you again
When this happens, and the addict realizes that he is out of control, the decision has to be made to stop it entirely. This usually can't be done alone however, and he can no longer trust himself to govern his own actions properly. As Step 1 says: "We admitted we were powerless
over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".
It's time you made your amends
Look in the mirror my friend
Steps 8 and 9 read:
8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 - Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
On the surface, this describes making amends to OTHERS we have hurt or whose lives we have affected. Of course, the hardest thing - and yet one of the most important things to do as an addict is to forgive yourself for the damage you have wrought in your OWN life. As step 10 says:
10 - Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
This, of course, leads to the dialog samples...
"That I haven't behaved as I should"
"Everything you need is around you. The only danger is inside you"
"I thought you could control life, but it's not like that. There are things you can't control"
I hate to say it, but the advice from the nice lady is not the greatest for an addict... I think the 3rd sample covers it nicely, though.
Let's stare the problem right in the eye
It's plagued me from coast to coast
Racing the clock to please everyone
All but the one who matters the most
Throughout this section, Mike seems to be analyzing those trigger situations that I have mentioned before. For him, they may very well be situations involving pressure from his drive to succeed in the band. Certainly, they live a manic lifestyle. In addition, Mike does so much
on the outside of Dream Theater. This also ould reflect that he is always living for other people's benefit - whether they be music business related, family, friends, etc.
My guess is that he, at times, would get spread too thin and not take enough time for himself to get in touch with what he really needed.
Reflections of reality
are slowly coming into view
As the addict goes through the phases of being sober, there are always more and more realizations of things that have happened while he was acting out or because of the acting out. Add to that the realizations of things you may have missed BECAUSE of being in that different world and he is faced with a continual tide of impacts of his addiction. This doesn't happen all in one day... or a week... this continues on for some time as you begin to experience life OUTSIDE the addiction and realize how it differs from life INSIDE the addiction. These would be the "reflections of reality" that are starting to hit Mike at this point.
How in the hell could you possibly forgive me?
After all the hell I put you through?
Again, this statement could be made to many of the people in his life... as well as to himself. The addict feels that, after all that hell, they are actually unforgivable.
It's time for me to deal
Becoming all too real
living in fear-
Why'd I betray my friend?
Lying until the end
Living life so pretend
It's time to make my amends
I'll never hurt you again
The only different part above is the concept of the lying and "living life so pretend". Again, once viewed from the OUTSIDE you realize how disillusioned you were (actually, this theme appears in "Hollow Years" as well). Ending with the promise of never hurting "you" - whoever
that might be - is really the final statement of this self-talk. Hopefully, Mike - and all addicts - can stick to this. God bless them all (there's more than we might realize).
